


Highly Functioning Sociopaths

by CrossTheBoss



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King, Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak is a Little Shit, F/M, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, Multi, Pennywise is His Own Warning (IT), Protective Mike Wheeler, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier and Mike Wheeler Are Cousins, Social Media, Texting, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Twitter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:28:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23507644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrossTheBoss/pseuds/CrossTheBoss
Summary: Bottom: Richie why the fuck did you add random people to our group chat?Mmm Arms: Id also like to knowBirb Boy: It's probably because he's a fucking dumbassDickie: but mom-Mike Wheeler: Are you sure these people are your friends?Dickie: yeah they good at dirty talk is all
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon/Stanley Uris, Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Eleven | Jane Hopper/Mike Wheeler, Mike Hanlon/Stanley Uris, Richie Tozier & Mike Wheeler, Richie Tozier & Stanley Uris, Will Byers/Mike Wheeler
Comments: 10
Kudos: 144





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The Sluts Club 
> 
> Baby Boy: Richie Tozier  
> Spaghetti: Eddie Kaspbrak  
> Daddy: Mike Hanlon  
> Mommy: Stanley Uris  
> The Mistress: Bill Denbrough  
> Baby Girl: Beverly Marsh  
> Baby: Ben Hanscome
> 
> The Gays
> 
> Dickie: Richie Tozier  
> Bottom:Eddie Kaspbrak  
> Mmm Arms: Mike Hanlon  
> Birb Boy: Stanley Uris  
> B-B-Bitch:Bill Denbrough  
> Big Dick: Beverly Marsh  
> Angel:Ben Hanscome

The Sluts Club

Baby Girl: If you punch yourself and it hurts does that mean your strong or your weak?

Mommy: That grammar is weak.

Baby Boy: it means your a pussy and you should punch someone else to find out

Baby: It means you're strong 

Spaghetti: The opposite of whatever Richie thinks 

The Mistress: you're strong as fuck don't listen to Richie

Daddy: you'd be stroung 

Baby Boy: stroung

Baby Girl: Stroung

Spaghetti: Stroung

The Mistress: Stroung

Daddy: I only love Ben and Stan :(

Mommy: Stroung 

Daddy: I only love Ben* 

Baby Boy: that's so sad Bev play Despacito 

Spaghetti: that's so fucking overused Chee

Baby Boy: not as used as your mom last night

Spaghetti: I can and will bike all the way to your house just to slap you then leave

Baby Girl: Your houses aren't even far apart

Mommy: Go to fucking sleep it's five in the morning, we have school tomorrow dipshits

Baby Boy: Yes mom

5:34 am  
\--------  
The Sluts Club 

Baby Boy: hey guys can I add a few people?

Mommy: Not to this group chat Rich do it with the "The Gays" group chat, it has less personal information just remember to add Ben to it

Baby Boy: Thanks Mom

Mommy: I suddenly feel proud of one of my disappointments

3:28 pm  
\-------

The Gays

Dickie Added Mike Wheeler  
Dickie Added Jane Hopper  
Dickie Added Will Byers  
Dickie Added Lucas Sinclair  
Dickie Added Max Mayfield

Dickie Added Dustin Henderson  
Dickie Added Ben Hanscome 

Bottom: Richie why the fuck did you add random people to our group chat?

Mmm Arms: Id also like to know

Birb Boy: It's probably because he's a fucking dumbass  
Dickie: But mom-

Mike Wheeler: Are you sure these people are your friends?

Dickie: they good at dirty talk is all

Big Dick: Disgusting, how dare you assume only they can talk dirty Baby Boy???

Dickie: oh Senorita never, you're my one and only dirty talker, the rest are just sluts and our mother

Big Dick: Good remember that

Lucas Sinclair: ehat the hell?

Birb Boy has kicked Lucas Sinclair 

Birb Boy: I only deal with these people's bullshit because I love them, one wrong move you're getting kicked

Ben Hanscome : o.O

Birb Boy: That and my OCD hates the number 13

Mmm Arms: So you kick him out cause all of us is 13 together

B-B-Bitch: Yes Mike get with the program 

Bird Boy: Reason to kiss Bill tomorrow:

Mike Wheeler: What?

Mmm Arms: :(

Ben Hanscome has changed his named to Angel

Angel has added Lucas Sinclair

Angel : Richie hasn't explained anything to us yet

Angel: Nvm Bev said they're going to get him to answer

Dickie: Well you see, I had a brilliant idea

Dickie: what if I COMBINE my cousin's friend group with mine that's so much better?

Big Dick: So you wanted to show off? Well then Rich please tell them who we are I'll help

Dickie: First we have our Fearless Leader and resident Homewrecker Bill @B-B-Bitch

Big Dick: Then there's our Second in Command The Strong but Sweet Mike @Mmm Arms

Dickie: Then there's the only one with brain cells left, Stan The Man @Birb Boy

Big Dick: Then there's our sweet innocent Poet/Builder Ben @Angel

Dickie: Then there's the hypochondriac twink Eds @Bottom

Big Dick: finally there's us, I'm Beverly 

Dickie:I'm Richie

Big Dick: And we're the big dick duo

Dickie:And we're the big dick duo


	2. Turtle Worshippers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turtle Worshipper4@ekasper  
> Chee baby, I love you but I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD MAKE ONE MORE TIKTOK ABOUT HOW AMAZING I AM I'LL KILL YOU
> 
> Username1 @user1  
> That's rude, he's trying to be nice
> 
> Turtle Worshipper6 @StfuDAD  
> Tell him bubba! Richie needs to stop exposing your fine ass that you're really a soft boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Sluts Club
> 
> Baby Boy: Richie Tozier  
> Spaghetti: Eddie Kaspbrak  
> Daddy: Mike Hanlon  
> Mommy: Stanley Uris  
> The Mistress: Bill Denbrough  
> Baby Girl: Beverly Marsh  
> Baby: Ben Hanscome
> 
> The Gays
> 
> Dickie: Richie  
> Bottom:Eddie  
> Mmm Arms: Mike H  
> Birb Boy: Stanley  
> B-B-Bitch:Bill  
> Big Dick: Beverly  
> Angel:Ben  
> Dusty: Dustin  
> Red Death: Max  
> Broken White Boy: Will  
> E-Boy Wannabe: Mike W  
> Mucas: Lucas  
> Mind Bitch: El

A Month After

The Gays

Dickie: Stan come kill me please

Bottom: Using actual names?

Birb Boy: You alright Rich?

Big Dick: Baby boy?

Angel: Richie are you alright?

Mmm Arms: Another nightmare?

B-B-Bitch: Are you alright?

Dickie: Yeah, could i come over to one of yours? My dad isn't in a good mood and my mom isn't here yet

Birb Boy: We're going to Bill's house. All of us

Bottom: This is not a fucking argument Losers are going to Bill's and taking care of my Chee

Big Dick: I'm almost there my aunt is driving, Rich and Eddie I'm passing your houses soon what me to pick you up?

Bottom:Yes. You're coming with us Chee 

Dickie: Nah

Dickie: Dang Eds your faster than your mom is when she comes

Bottom: At least it's not as fast as you when I suck your dick

Big Dick: LMAO I love out of all the Losers all of us has seen Richie's dick

E-Boy Wannabe: Excuse me?

Mucas: Damn they type fast as hell

Red Death: Why have you seen someone else's dick?

Angel: There was a Christmas party at Stan's house, we hated it so we left and went to Richie's house, where there was a pool and no adults, Bev decided she wanted to Skinny dip

Angel: She proceeded to take off her clothes in front of us and jump in, just like the first time we swam with her, she called us pussies

Angel: Richie then followed with no shame and said, "If you can't look at them, Join them!" And yeah, we saw a lot of everyone that night

Mmm Arms: And the Losers were COOL with it we all just were like "alright bitch square up" we're already really fucking close and had seen each other in nothing but underwear before

Broken White Boy: Okay that's kind of weird but cool how close you guys are

Mind Bitch: Can we do that?

E-Boy Wannabe: NO

Dickie: Yes, they should be able to show you they're lies

E-Boy Wannabe: NO WE SHOULDN'T 

Mind Bitch: Friends don't lie though Mike

Dickie: Exactly mikey

E-Boy Wannabe: El, this is different, it's like when Hopper doesn't let us close doors cause it's not appropriate 

Dickie: But it'll make you guys CLOSER

E-Boy Wannabe: SHUT UP RICHIE, El let's talk about this in our private messages Will you too, she listens to you sometimes  
3:12 pm  
\----  
Twitter

Turtle Worshiper 4@ekasper  
Chee baby, I love you but I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD MAKE ONE MORE TIKTOK ABOUT HOW AMAZING I AM I'LL KILL YOU

Username1 @user1  
That's rude, he's trying to be nice

Turtle Worshiper 6 @StfuDAD  
Tell him bubba! Richie needs to stop exposing your fine ass, telling people you're really a soft boy smh

Turtle Worshiper 3 @Trashmouth  
@DidIStutter back me up Billy Boy

Turtle Worshiper 1 @DidIStutter  
N-n-n-Shut up Ed's you know you are

Turtle Worshiper 2 @NoNotAgainBill  
I agree with Rich for once, just accept it Eddie

Username2 @User2  
Wtf? Is this a cult?

Turtle Worshiper 5 @JustAHumanUwU  
Kinda, we worship turtles, have a leader who brainwashed us to worship the turtle, and our rival cult is people who worships a Clown, a stupid ugly one at that

Turtle Worshiper 7 @HomeSchool  
"KiNdA" WE DID A BLOOD RITUAL BEN  
MOST OF OUR POST ARE PICTURES OF TURTLES  
BILL GOT OR SAVIOUR IN OUR SECRET BASE  
btw how's Maturin?

Turtle Worshiper 1 @DidIStutter  
He's good doing his thing and saving us from death

Username 3 @User3  
WTF?

Username 4 @User4  
Aight Imma head out-

MikeyWikey @MikeW  
What the HELL Richie?!

👏CoMeDy ✅@GoldenDicky  
Yeet?

👏CoMeDy ✅@GoldenLoser  
Oop- Wrong account  
This post got 27k likes and 5k retweets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lemme EXPLAIN, Richie is famous for his tiktok account and YouTube, so Twitter verified him, he HAS TWO ACCOUNTS! One where he's normal little bitchie and one for his fans lolol, he post about his boyfriend that no one knows all the time, EDDIE SPAGHETTI COMPLAINS, then he's replying to his fans when he sees his cousin who he follows is confussssed and goes annoy him, DOESN'T END WELL. And that's on Stan's Bath Water, I once again created this at 2 am FIGHT ME


	3. Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikeyyyy: Richie... Are you fucking kidding me? 
> 
> Richardddd: Aight imma head out, Bill's parents put on a movie for us and left us with Prince Georgie
> 
> Mikeyyyy: This is called AVOIDING your problems
> 
> Richardddd: It's called Prince Georgie is never to be left to wait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW HER DAD ISN'T DEAD IN IT CHAPTER 1 BUT FUUUCCCKKK HIM! SHOULD OF BLEED OUT ON THAT BATHROOM FLOOR SO I DID AND MADE PENNYWHORE MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A FUCKING SUICIDE FUCK ALIVIN MAN

Twitter

👏CoMeDy ✅@GoldenLoser

Well you SEE guys I have friends who aren't famous, and we might worship turtles, MIGHT

Username 1 @User1  
Hah "MIGHT" they said they have a BlOoD bOnD tHiNg

Username 2 @User2  
Richard WHATEVER WHATEVER how could you lie to us like this, @ekasper is the guy you always talk about so you're @Trashmouth ????

Turtle Worshiper 4 @ekasper  
Don't tag me in this shit show, this is Richie's fault, I fucking told him not to respond to my shitpost and just watch the fucking movie with us but nO

Turtle Worshiper 6 @stfuDAD  
He also wanted to tell people how good you dirty talk him even on Twitter 

Username 3 @User3  
What the hell is wrong with your @ ? It's fucking ridiculous and unoriginal 

Turtle Worshiper 6 @stfuDAD  
It's what I wish I could've told my dad before he died fucking should have but that fucking clown stopped me

Username 4 @User4  
That clown sounds SENSIBLE 

Turtle Worshiper 1 @DidIStutter  
Her dad would've deserved it honestly 10/10 if he weren't dead I'd actually go kill him myself what a fucking asshole

Username 5 @User5  
Wtf XD I don't know if their joking or not

Username 6 @User6  
I don't think they are

Turtle Worshiper 2 @NoNotAgainBill

We aren't, if you knew him you'd agree not only was he a worthless piece of shit who couldn't do anything but bitch he was ALSO a worthless piece of shit father 

Turtle Worshiper 6 @stfuDAD  
Tell them Mom! Tell them how much of a better parent you are than he is! Defend my claims and how the court said it was said self defense!

Username 7 @User7  
Did you kill your fucking DAD?!

👏CoMeDy✅ @GoldenLoser  
I can defend our Mom's claim, I have proof! 

Username 8 @User8  
So they DID kill their dad?!

Im Baby @AliceInAStripClub  
If you look more into it, Richie lives in Derry, Maine, the only people who hurt or killed their parents enough to go to court, are Henry Bowers and Beverly Marsh (their the only ones who are still alive), she couldn't be Henry cause he's in a psychiatric hospital. Beverly Marsh was abused by her father mentally, physically, and sexually, she had came home from hanging out with her friends one day and her father found a note from a secret admire and he didn't like that not only was she hanging out with boys but also got love confession letters, Beverly decided to be brave and defended herself, he reacted harshly and she ran away, hid in her bathroom, when he came she was hiding in the shower, then she hit him with a toilet tank lid when he tried to grab her, but she didn't kill him, he was later found dead though with his blood on the walls saying, "Bevvy Are You Still My Little Girl?" which police officers said she responded harshly to by showing her middle finger and then having her friends have to take her out of the place, it was later confirmed he killed himself and no I'm not stalking her, if you search up Derry Maine this is literally on of the first things you see

Username 9 @User9  
Holy shit

Turtle Worshiper 6 @stfuDAD  
I forgot this was on Wiki, the town is not only famous for its Festivities in the summer but also its number of children, dying, going missing and getting bullied???

Username 10 @User10  
Alice isn't lying, I searched it up and saw it, someone also made a top 10 most haunted places list on YouTube and it was on it because of how many kids died come to think of it, the only missing Kids who came back ALIVE were Beverly Marsh and this little guy named Georgie Denbrough who is now about like 10 he was missing three almost four years ago same with Beverly from then on no kids went missing 

Username 10 @User10  
@DidIStutter just asked me if I could take this down wtf?

Turtle Worshiper 1 @DidIStutter  
Georgie is my little brother, and the only reason my parents didn't sue people for posting things about my brother being missing was because at the time they didn't think people would care

(@GoldenLoser Deleted @User10 posts)

👏CoMeDy ✅ @GoldenLoser  
Me and the rest go watch a movie with the prince and you go to the bathroom @DidIStutter and this happens I stg

Im Baby @AliceInAStripClub  
HmMmM MyStErIoUs 

Turtle Worshiper 6 @stfuDAD  
Let's go back to talking about me before @DidIStutter comes back and we unpause the movie apparently I'm also FAMOUS where's my verification?! I was kidnapped, abused AND almost sent to a psychiatric hospital- and I'm on WIKI??? Twitter stop being a bitch and give the people what they want??

👏CoMeDy ✅ 1@GoldenLoser  
Bev, the most badass bitch I know, getting verified??? YES! She should run for president like, if she was good at school I would give up my title Student Council President for her 

Turtle Worshiper 6 @stfuDAD  
Awwww Baby Boy

Username 11 @User11  
Y'all are fucking Weird

\------  
Privates

Mikeyyyy: Richie... Are you fucking kidding me? 

Richardddd: Aight imma head out, Bill's parents put on a movie for us and left us with Prince Georgie

Mikeyyyy: This is called AVOIDING your problems

Richardddd: It's called Prince Georgie is never to be left to wait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I did this at 2 AM to 8AM shush

**Author's Note:**

> I created this at 2 in the morning and my insomnia induced head thought it was a good I dea to pOsT iT dUmB rIgHt??


End file.
